Ug, I WANT TO FEEL BETTER!!!

I am so tired of feeling this way.  I feel like I am spiraling out of control, my thoughts are dark and painful to think and I can't stand it anymore.  I have a date set for my SSI hearing and I am eagerly awaiting for it to happen but at the same time I am so scared that when it comes it will not be the outcome that I need.  Also, if I am turned down by the judge, what am I to do?  I can't get a normal job.  Not with this CPS thing being held against me over my head and the fact that I haven't worked in the last two years.  No one is going to want to hire me, especially since I can't pass a background check and being labeled as a Child Neglector.  I DEFINATELY can't get a job that I am trained in because of this.  In some aspects my life is ruined and for some reason I can't just come to grips with the whole thing.

I go to my appointments, I see my therapist like I am supposed to, I do everything that I am supposed to do, but nothing is helping.  I talked to my therapist to get her to adjust my meds and even that isn't helping.  I just wish I could...  Blow away in the wind like dust so no one with be bothered by me anymore.....

My love, my darlin, my Gabriel

I love my son.  I love all of my children, please don't get me wrong, but Gabriel has daily struggles that no one, not even myself can comprehend.  I can't get into his head, I cant read his thoughts or his eyes, I can only identify that I can't understand what is going on in his little head.  People think that he has major behavior problems, have pegged him as a spoiled brat or a holy terror.  One of my ex friends even named him the serial killer in training and would not allow him to come to her kids birthday parties because of the way he acted.  But I have always known that he is not a bad kid, he just needed to be understood.  He is quirky, tempermental and super smart.  He does adult hard Suduko puzzles, puts 500 piece puzzles together, first picture side up, tears it apart and then puts it together picture side down.  When he starts to have a meltdown, my mom, Dan and I are the only ones who can calm him down.  He causes himself to go into a dead weight because of something he doesn't like.  He doesn't like loud noises, does not like large crowds and does not make eye contact.  To him, the school bully is his friends because he interacts with Gabe.  He does not understand what a "friend" is, and does not have any social skills.  When things do not go his way he becomes very agitated and starts to scream, hit things and throw things.  The only thing that makes him feel better is when you hug him tight, talk softly to him and snuggle him close.

My son is not a holy terror, he is not a spoiled brat and he is not a serial killer in training.  My son is a beautiful little man with light brown hair, small scars on his face from picking owies, he is a love bug, a chunky monkey and he is the sweetest little boy in the world.  He crawls into bed with me at night when Dan is gone because he doesn't want me to be lonely.  He is the sweetest little guy you will ever meet and I am extremely lucky to be his mom.

My son is on the spectrum.  Not the color spectrum, not the educational spectrum, the Autism Spectrum.  My son has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, which is a high functioning form of Autism.  My son is not ashamed of his AS.  I am not ashamed of his AS.  He is not defined by AS, he DEFINES his AS.  He is my love, my darlin and my Gabriel!

Struggles, hardships and God...

It seems like time after time, throughout life everyone has struggles and hardships throughout life.  I understand that, I get this, and I also understand that I am not the only one that goes through life dealing with struggles and hardships.  With that being said, I just need to vent out my frustrations. 

I am so SICK of having to constantly struggle.  I am so SICK of constantly having to reach out for help, and not be the one reaching TO help.  I am so sick of my kids having to do without because Mommy and Daddy cant seem to live but paycheck to paycheck.  I know that times are tough all around the world, I do, I am not saying all of this as a poor me issue.  It is, just for once, in our lives, can I have it easy???  Can I please catch a break???

I can't work and provide for my family because I am disabled from MULTIPLE disabilities.  I am awaiting my hearing date for my SSI claim that has been turned down over and over again which is in January.  Thankfully, when I have this hearing, and if I am approved, then things will start to look up and we will do better.  But until then, I am stuck it seems...

But through the grace of all of this, I have one shining light.  I have finally found a church that I feel completely at home in.  I have finally found the place that I feel comfortable worshiping the Lord in.  I am so excited for this new chapter of my life.  And whats more?  Gabriel is completely comfortable there.  He doesn't feel like it burns when he goes to church now.  I have met so many different and new, exciting people, which is an awesome feeling.  Now, when Dan goes back over the road, because he will be here shortly, I feel that with the love and support from God, and from my new found friends at church, I will be okay...

The love for my children and my ex's family

Okay, so for those of you that don't know, I am VERY protective of my children.  And I have a huge urge to protect them from my Ex-husbands family.  Now, please don't read that I feel the need to protect them from my Ex-husband, because that is no longer the case.  He has grown so much in the last two years that I now appreciate him and have a love for him as a individual and best friend.  It is his FAMILY that I feel this urge to protect them from.

Now, not all his my ex's family is bad.  Their Uncle Paul, Uncle Nathan and Aunt Brandy are wonderful people.  Paul is a teenager and going through life, but he treats the kids like they are important, even going to Dustyn's school concert to cheer him on.  Uncle Nathan is currently in the Army stationed in Afghanistan at the moment fighting for the freedom of my children and everyone else, and Aunt Brandy is doing her best holding down the fort at home in North Carolina.

It is their Step-Grandma that I feel the biggest urge to protect them from, and then the Papa.  It really hurts the kids when their Papa promises them that he is going to have them come over and spend the night on the weekends, but never follows through because the Step decides that her grandkids are so much more important.  At christmas time, they give the kids dollar store gifts while they spend hundreds of dollars on her grandkids.  Their Facebook is plastered with pictures of HER kids and HER grandkids, but there is no pictures to be found of my children.  Where in all of this does it show them that they are important?  Why do they not add up on the list of being in their hearts?  Damien (my-ex) may be their Papa's only shot of having grandchildren, yet they are ignored.  When they do want to spend time with them it is to stop by to briefly trick or treat so they can see them in their costumes, but by doing so I would be making all of the effort to have them be seen.

I am at a point that I refuse to go around them because of lies that the STEP has spread about me, that are both hurtful and could damage my reputation beyond repair.  I have a chronic pain disease and I take nerve medications and muscle relaxer to lesson my daily pain from a 8 to a 5.  I do not take any narcotic or habit forming medications, but she has told many people that I lie to the doctors to get loaded.  WOW.  I was a drug and alcohol therapist for 7 years and I am petrified to being addicted to any substances.  The thought that I would have to struggle through life to get loaded makes my stomach churn.  Therefore, I only take Narcotics if it extremely necessary, and at that I do not have them readily available to me.  To spread these lies are hateful and hurtful and she does not have the ability to keep her mouth quiet or opinion to herself around my children.  They are very sensitive children that has already had to deal with the pain that their fathers addiction caused on them, and now that he is clean and sober they finally feel safe of that.  Then to have this hateful woman open her mouth with these lies around them...  I am sorry, I am the only one that can protect them from this.

I DO want their Papa to have a relationship with them though.  He is more than welcome to come here, spend time with them, take them to the park and what not.  He chooses to not do this however, not even posting pictures of them on his Facebook to show how proud he is of them.  This is hurtful and I just wish my kids paternal family would show they are just as proud of these three as they are of the STEP's grandkids.

Because ya know, THEY ARE IMPORTANT TOO.  THE MOST IMPORTANT LITTLE PEOPLE TO ME, THEIR FATHER AND THEIR DADDY!

Friendships and heartbreaks

Okay, so the last few years have been incredibly hard and depressing on me in the friendship department. 

I honestly feel in my  heart I am a good person.  I try my hardest to be the best friend that I can.  I am the first to offer to help someone if they are in need, I am willing to bend over backwards for someone to share my friendship with them and I am the first to offer my shoulder to someone to cry on if they are having a hard time.  To me, these are what being a friend is all about.  Being a sister/brother of sorts that god didn't give us.  And I have a few friends that are this way with me as well, but more times than not, I am completely stabbed in the back or taken advantage of in the most hurtful ways.  And I don't understand it.

I had a friend that I had been friends with for 22 years.  And the last few years were incredibly straining on our friendship.  I would call and be put on the back burner.  I was there for her and let her come over when ever she needed time away and a shoulder to cry on, but in return I was told that she ran away from her family on the weekend because of me.  And then, the most ultimate betrayal.  When my youngest son, who was only 2 weeks old was admitted into the hospital for a freak E.Coli incident where it was in his kidneys, she called CPS on my husband and I, making up a list of things that were either completely untrue, or they were GREATLY blown out of proportion.  We were investigated and found as neglectors because they put more validation in the giant lies, and refused to talk to the doctors, midwives and nurses.  Because of this persons actions, if I were to be able to go back to work, I am unable to because the 3 years I put into my education was wasted now that I can longer pass a background check.  See, if you are a certified counselor with the state, you can have absolutely NOTHING on your background that involve children.  Child Neglect is a HUGE no-no.

And yet, two years later and I am STILL having a hard time letting this go.  This "friend" blamed me, went on a rampage saying that I was a horrible person for making it known that I found out it was her and then turned it on me.  I will NEVER be friends with this person again, I will never subject me or my children to this kind of hatefulness that will only insue from another friendship with this person and her husband.  But for some reason, I am having a HUGE hard time letting this go.  This may be because I treated her the way that I wanted to be treated, because this was the ultimate betrayal, or because I could have lost my children because of these lies and over-exaggerations.  For whatever reason, this is something that has forever scarred me.

And now, I befriended a few people this year and I feel that I have been used and abused in the worse ways.  For example, my husband and I had to move rather quickly due to a flood in our home.  We ran out of room in the two storage units that we have and a "friend" readily offered to store our stuff in his shop.  We agreed that he store our stuff there.  There is nothing small there, it is all huge, but it has sense been moved.  First he said he put it in storage, then he said that he has it at a friends house.  But he wont tell us who this friend is, and keeps telling us that he is bringing it to us.  But he never shows up, he never gives us our stuff and he has now turned the table on me saying that I need to lose his "f-ing" number and never talk to him again.  I called the police today and found out that what he has done is not illegal and that I will have to sue him in small claims court.

So now, I have to go to court, file the small claim with money that we do not have to spare, just in an attempt to either get our stuff back or be compensated for our loss.  But nothing will ever compensate the amount of money that we had in this stuff.  Nothing will ever give us back our stroller that was given to us by a family friend who went off the deepend this year.  Nothing will ever give my daughter back her very first bike that we got her for her birthday that she only got to ride a hand full of times because her birthday is in January.  No one can replace my husbands bike that he bought himself after his divorce so he could spend time riding on the Greenway for serenity. 

Nothing can take away that fear that I will now live with about being friends with someone new again.  I feel as if I need to do a criminal background check on anyone new that comes into my life.

I should never have to feel this way!