My love, my darlin, my Gabriel

I love my son.  I love all of my children, please don't get me wrong, but Gabriel has daily struggles that no one, not even myself can comprehend.  I can't get into his head, I cant read his thoughts or his eyes, I can only identify that I can't understand what is going on in his little head.  People think that he has major behavior problems, have pegged him as a spoiled brat or a holy terror.  One of my ex friends even named him the serial killer in training and would not allow him to come to her kids birthday parties because of the way he acted.  But I have always known that he is not a bad kid, he just needed to be understood.  He is quirky, tempermental and super smart.  He does adult hard Suduko puzzles, puts 500 piece puzzles together, first picture side up, tears it apart and then puts it together picture side down.  When he starts to have a meltdown, my mom, Dan and I are the only ones who can calm him down.  He causes himself to go into a dead weight because of something he doesn't like.  He doesn't like loud noises, does not like large crowds and does not make eye contact.  To him, the school bully is his friends because he interacts with Gabe.  He does not understand what a "friend" is, and does not have any social skills.  When things do not go his way he becomes very agitated and starts to scream, hit things and throw things.  The only thing that makes him feel better is when you hug him tight, talk softly to him and snuggle him close.

My son is not a holy terror, he is not a spoiled brat and he is not a serial killer in training.  My son is a beautiful little man with light brown hair, small scars on his face from picking owies, he is a love bug, a chunky monkey and he is the sweetest little boy in the world.  He crawls into bed with me at night when Dan is gone because he doesn't want me to be lonely.  He is the sweetest little guy you will ever meet and I am extremely lucky to be his mom.

My son is on the spectrum.  Not the color spectrum, not the educational spectrum, the Autism Spectrum.  My son has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, which is a high functioning form of Autism.  My son is not ashamed of his AS.  I am not ashamed of his AS.  He is not defined by AS, he DEFINES his AS.  He is my love, my darlin and my Gabriel!

Struggles, hardships and God...

It seems like time after time, throughout life everyone has struggles and hardships throughout life.  I understand that, I get this, and I also understand that I am not the only one that goes through life dealing with struggles and hardships.  With that being said, I just need to vent out my frustrations. 

I am so SICK of having to constantly struggle.  I am so SICK of constantly having to reach out for help, and not be the one reaching TO help.  I am so sick of my kids having to do without because Mommy and Daddy cant seem to live but paycheck to paycheck.  I know that times are tough all around the world, I do, I am not saying all of this as a poor me issue.  It is, just for once, in our lives, can I have it easy???  Can I please catch a break???

I can't work and provide for my family because I am disabled from MULTIPLE disabilities.  I am awaiting my hearing date for my SSI claim that has been turned down over and over again which is in January.  Thankfully, when I have this hearing, and if I am approved, then things will start to look up and we will do better.  But until then, I am stuck it seems...

But through the grace of all of this, I have one shining light.  I have finally found a church that I feel completely at home in.  I have finally found the place that I feel comfortable worshiping the Lord in.  I am so excited for this new chapter of my life.  And whats more?  Gabriel is completely comfortable there.  He doesn't feel like it burns when he goes to church now.  I have met so many different and new, exciting people, which is an awesome feeling.  Now, when Dan goes back over the road, because he will be here shortly, I feel that with the love and support from God, and from my new found friends at church, I will be okay...